


100% Chance of Science

by longhairshortfuse



Category: MythBusters, Top Gear (UK), Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Crack Crossover
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-24
Packaged: 2018-02-14 04:33:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2178078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/longhairshortfuse/pseuds/longhairshortfuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So what might happen if James May flew some Mythbusters in his little plane and it got lost in the Night Vale Sand Wastes?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Highly Illegal

**Author's Note:**

> Really, I couldn't stop myself. This happened after someone suggested to me that Carlos would probably be all fangirly over Mythbusters although _not proper science blahblahblah_. So what the hell.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> James May, well known on Top Gear (UK) for his unerring (ahem) sense of direction, gets some MythBusters lost in the desert. _A_ desert anyway, but nobody seems to know where it is exactly.
> 
> They are rescued by a scientist (you can tell, he has a lab-coat) with great hair and perfect teeth.

"Can we really do this? Isn't it highly _illegal_ as well as extremely dangerous or something?" Adam frowned. Jamie shrugged passively.  
"As long as we stay over uninhabited desert and sign the insurance waiver, they say we can do it. Sure it's dangerous but it worked in the simulator. Myth plausible, as I recall."  
"Are you _seriously_ suggesting that we repeat this myth because a fan said we didn't do it right because we used a simulator and not a _real plane_?"  
A curt nod. "Yup."  
"Are you _nuts?_ " Adam laughed nervously and shoved his hair out of his eyes. He checked the date and it wasn't April the first.  
"If I am, that's beside the point. We'll have a trained pilot ready to take over at any point."  
Adam hopped from foot to foot. "So you're serious. You're actually serious. I have a wife and kids, you know. Failure is _not_ always an option!"  
"Yup. You're going to land a plane in the desert. What could go wrong?" It was not often that Jamie got to see Adam speechless and he enjoyed the moment.

\-----------------------------------------------------------

It didn't go to plan, but at least they were all alive. James, the pilot, did a proper job of talking Adam through take off, a short flight and landing in the desert, although he did talk a lot in that calm, patient voice. The flight was longer than intended because despite his initial terror faced down with bravado, Adam was having fun. He decided that maybe a pilot's licence would be a nice addition to his skills and Jamie had been fascinated by all the pre-flight checks and the detailed explanations that James gave at the slightest encouragement.

Jamie was less comfortable in the air. When they lost radio contact with both air traffic control and their crew on the ground, he struggled to stifle his panic and keep up his act of unflappable confidence. James decided the best thing to do was land on what looked like a dusty little airstrip up ahead. He talked Adam down calmly and their landing, although rough, wasn't nearly as fatal as it might have been.

They got out of the plane, congratulated each other for not dying, gathered what remained of their nerves and headed for the low building close to the poorly maintained runway. It was abandoned.  
"Of course, you know what this is," James said.  
"No?" Jamie and Adam looked at him, waiting for an answer.  
"It's an ICBM silo. I saw the outline of the circular dome from up there." He pointed up. "These are dotted all over the desert. You can even buy one if you're an evil overlord with enough spare cash and the right estate agent. Odd that it wasn't on my charts, these places aren't secret any more."  
Jamie shrugged. "Better call the team." He got his phone out and tutted at it. "I think my phone has a gitch." He turned it off, waited a moment and turned it on again. He tried the call again with the same result, as soon as he selected a contact the _call_ button vanished. "Adam, can you call the team?"  
Adam looked at his phone and selected a contact. Before he could touch the screen to connect the call, he dropped his phone. "Ow! I got an electric shock." He chose a different number from his contacts and Jamie's phone rang. He tried another member of the team then his wife but dropped his phone in pain each time. "I can call you but not anyone else. This is fucked up!" 

James opened google maps. The screen showed a pulsing blue dot in a beige grid. "Hmm. That's very odd. I have full signal but the sodding map won't load." He got the GPS unit from the plane. "This is definitely wrong, you see it says we're in the Gulf of Guinea just off the west coast of Africa, under the bulgy bit that sicks out into the Atlantic." He looked around. "Bit bloody dry for that. Look, you two go find someone who knows where we are, I'll try to get the GPS working. I can't bloody well fly us back if I don't know where we are, where we're going or how to get there." He tried to make a phone call but his phone growled menacingly. "I think I saw a highway or something over that way." James waved a hand vaguely to indicate approximate direction.

Adam and Jamie set off across the sandy scrub and eventually found a road, although _highway_ was stretching it a bit. There was nobody in sight and no sight or sound of traffic.  
"Left or right?" asked Adam.  
"Logically, the road must connect two places so it probably doesn't matter. If we head north the sun won't be in our eyes the whole time." Jamie turned left. After they had been walking for about an hour, they reached a road sign. On one side it said _Night Vale 10_ and on the other _D s t Bl s 6_ , the rest of the sign obliterated by bullet marks.  
"Ten miles. We should be back in civilisation by nightfall. We might not need this after all." Jamie indicated the backpack he wore."  
"Why, what did you bring?" asked Adam.  
"Just a few essentials for survival. Water, Duck tape and bubblewrap."

\-------------------------------------------------------------

They walked along the side of the road for hours. Perceptibly more hours than it should have taken to cover ten miles, although the combination of two phones and two watches caused a short argument on how long it had actually been since they passed the road sign. They all gave a different time. But even at a conservative stroll they should have been in town in three hours or less. As Jamie noticed the light begin to fade, he suggested making camp for the night.  
"We can make sleeping bags out of bubble wrap secured by duck tape. I doubt we have enough daylight left to make a tent unless you have a flashlight?" Jamie peered at Adam who shook his head.  
"No, I really didn't think I'd need a flashlight for a short flight. I did not sign up for this today. I mean, where even _are_ we?"  
Jamie consulted the gps on his phone. Like James's earlier, it showed their position as a pulsing dot in an empty beige grid. "I hate to say this, ever, but I have no idea."

Adam and Jamie spent an uncomfortable night below stars that looked mostly familiar yet shimmered and moved when they glanced away and a moon that seemed shy of being noticed. Both wanted to say, "did you just see..." but neither would admit to witnessing something so improbable as to be effectively impossible. Jamie tried to outstare the stars, capture the constellations in his mind, predict what the sky should look like in an hour, two hours hence. He drifted off to sleep then woke suddenly and the constellations seemed to have moved on by months, not hours. His survival training kicked in, he was clearly suffering from some kind of desert-induced delirium. Hypothermia? Probably not. It was cool in the desert at night but not freezing and he felt a little warm in his bubblewrap bag. Dehydration? He thought not but it was the most likely culprit. He downed a bottle of water and kept another close by in case he needed it.  
He dearly wished Adam would stop snoring. 

Adam woke to find Jamie tending a small campfire. Something smelled... it just smelled. Like food, but only if you were _really_ hungry.  
"Good morning sunshine, breakfast?" Jamie held out a charred lump of something unfortunate.  
Adam groaned. "Is coffee and a Danish too much to hope for?"  
Jamie smirked. "What's the matter princess? Not hungry enough?"  
"Urgh. Fuck you." Adam shrugged off his makeshift sleeping bag and stood in the morning sunlight to dry off. "Urgh, I'm damp. Nasty."  
Jamie knew Adam's moods and low blood glucose did not make pleasant company. He handed the chewy chunk of something that was too slow or too stupid to avoid capture to Adam. "Eat it. Or I'll make you."

They set off as soon as Jamie was sure that Adam was no longer feeling homicidal. He wasn't much of a "morning person" either but was better at adapting to unexpected situations. As they walked towards the town, according to the road sign, a vehicle passed then pulled over in front of them. A man got out. A man with the best hair they had ever seen, apart from Grant's, and teeth that should be in an advert. Even whiter and straighter than Kari's. The man called and waved. "Hey, you look lost. Are you okay? Need a ride into town?" 

Their knight-in-shining-labcoat stopped. "Oh. My. Glowcloud. It's you, it's actually you two. Shit! Fuck! Wait until I tell Cecil, no he won't have a clue. Janice! She will LOVE this!"  
"Uh," said Adam.  
"..." said Jamie.  
"Sorry," said the man in the lab coat. It's just so... unlikely that you would be ... Here! Sorry about that, what I said, I get a bit carried away. By science and stuff. Really, do you need a lift? Only there was no car or anything back there and someone littered the sand wastes with bubble wrap of all things, so I thought maybe you might be in trouble. Or something."  
Jamie stared at Adam. "Did you not pack up your wrap?"  
Adam stared at the lab coat then noticed the teeshirt underneath it, and smiled.  
 _I reject your reality and substitute my own_


	2. Plausible?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Mythbusters meet the team, James has doubts and Carlos is an awesome uncle.

The good-looking fan introduced himself as "Carlos the scientist" and they shook hands before the Mythbuster duo got into the back of the pickup's cabin. The front seat was littered with equipment and notes.  
"So, what are you doing in Night Vale?"  
Adam frowned. "Night Vale? But we were actually just northeast of Las Vegas. There was nowhere on the map called Night Vale. There was nowhere on the map at all!"  
Jamie joined in. "Yeah, our researchers checked real carefully, legally we had to be in a totally uninhabited part of the desert.  
"Hmm. That is scientifically very interesting. Time and space are unpredictable around here. I'll take you back to my lab and see what my team can figure out. What were you doing before? I mean _exactly_ before you arrived in the sand wastes?"  
Adam explained about the fan-suggested flight challenge, with Jamie adding terse facts and figures here and there. Carlos asked for clarification on only one point.  
"So, you left your pilot alone in the desert overnight? Does he have survival training? Or any scout badges?"  
Carlos took out his phone. Jamie frowned as he watched the scientist make a call whilst driving. "Hi, Dave, can you drive out to the abandoned silo and pick someone up? Yeah, take a body-bag just in case. Thanks."

When Carlos pulled up in front of the lab, Rochelle came out to meet him.  
"Hey, you were gone all night. Cecil has been driving us crazy, calling every hour to see if you were okay. You know he doesn't like it when you go off the grid after... Oh! Hello, sorry, I didn't realise Carlos brought company. I'm Rochelle. Jeez have you been camping out? Come in, there are showers and changing rooms in the bunkroom upstairs and I'm sure one of the team will have clean clothes that fit you. Jeez, Carlos, you could have called Cecil and called us..."  
Carlos cut off her tirade with a one-armed hug, a kiss on the cheek and a "thanks, mom," before he ducked out of reach. "Ell, can you look after these guys? There will be another once Dave gets back. I need to call Cecil."  
Carlos took his phone out and walked off. As the three others went into the lab they couldn't help but hear half of a conversation through the bank of open windows.  
 _Hi Cecil.... No I'm fine.... I'm sorry I didn't call.... No signal.... Yeah, it was easier to call when I was stuck in the... okay, sorry..... I didn't mean to upset you.... Please don't... I'm fine! Really!.... Yes, I know.... Look, you have to stop.... I know... Talk later?.... Okay, I love you too. Bye."_  
Carlos returned wearing an expression of resigned irritation. Rochelle shot him a look of sympathy that somehow made things worse. "How's he taking it?"  
"Not good, he doesn't like me to stray out of range since I got back. It was nice at first, then reassuring, but now it's time to get back to normal."  
Rochelle laughed. "Normal? Are you fucking kidding me?" 

Adam and Jamie returned downstairs to the lab wearing clean clothes and excited expressions.  
"Who is the model maker?" Adam demanded to know. "Those models upstairs, they're awesome! The level of detail in the skulls and the severed hands is really, really impressive. There is real demand for work that good in the movie industry, I know some people, maybe I could set up..." Jamie nodded as Adam burbled happily.  
Carlos frowned. "What models? We don't have time for making models like that, we are _scientists_ "  
Rochelle laughed. "Oh I know what you are talking about!" She nudged Carlos. "They must have seen our pickled librarian parts!"  
"Oh! Of course." Carlos smiled. "That's not a model. Would you like to meet a real live librarian?" His smile grew wider.  
"Carlos!" Rochelle nudged him again. "You know the new library is off limits again. All the doors were boarded up last week. I think they're having a re-write in the local history section."  
Adam and Jamie looked uneasily at each other. Had they been telepathic, they would have been exchanging opinions about the mental health of their host and hostess. Their attempt at telepathy was interrupted as the lab doors whupped open and shut.  
"Bloody Hell, man, what kind of idiot do you take me for? We took off in Nevada yesterday which was a Thursday in April and now you're trying to convince me that it's a Monday in August and that creaky-squealing mechanical noise with occasional gunfire that woke me up was _dawn_?" 

Dave waved at Carlos and Rochelle before disappearing upstairs and out of earshot. James saw Adam and Jamie. "Oh you found civilisation then. That guy has a screw loose."  
Rochelle interrupted him. "No, it really is Monday, it really is August and Dawn is, occasionally, really noisy. Someone needs to ask her to get the Sheriff's Secret Police assault vehicles serviced more often. Dawn's raids can be quite disturbing for those who want a lie-in. You three know each other, then?"  
Carlos added, "You must be their abandoned pilot. So you survived, that's good."  
After introductions, Rochelle said, "you seem to be in better shape than these two were after a night camping out in the sand wastes."  
"I slept in the cockpit. It was uncomfortable but at least it kept the wild animals out. There was this thing that looked like a cross between a wolf and a nightmare but I might have been delirious with hunger at the time. Don't worry," he shot a glance at Adam, "I found the stash of cookies down the side of your seat."  
"I put those there," said Jamie. "Sometimes Adam needs a cookie."  
Adam glared at both of them.  
"Tell you what though," James added. "I could murder a cuppa." 

Rochelle and Dave gave the three visitors a thorough medical examination and declared them to be "fit enough, healthy enough and plausibly human." Carlos, meanwhile, called Cecil again to see if he had been forgiven yet. He had, mostly, but news of his visitors secured his complete forgiveness.  
"Cecil, can you call Janice and see if Steve will let her come to the lab this afternoon? Only there are some people here she would probably like to meet."  
"Oh? Who?"  
"You know that programme we watch together when Janice comes round, Mythbusters? You liked the Shark Week episode but got really annoyed?"  
"Ye-e-es...?"  
"Well, Adam and Jamie from the show turned up in the sand wastes with some other guy. They're at the lab now."  
Cecil almost squealed down the phone. "Don't move, do-not-move. Do NOT let them escape... I will pick up Janice and we'll be right over." 

An hour and ten minutes later, as the scientists and TV presenters were tucking into pizza at Rico's refurbished restaurant next door, a car pulled up and parked in front of the lab pickup. Two men got out, one grinning and one scowling. The grinning one opened the back and removed a wheelchair, the scowling one opened the door and helped manoeuvre the wheelchair into position as a girl of about thirteen swung into it.  
"Thanks uncle Cecil, Dad, did you bring the ramp?"  
The scowly man spoke, "Aw Ste-ee-eve, did you forget the ramp again?"  
The grinning one laughed. "No honey, you won't need it. Your uncle Carlos got the lab modified after that time you almost tipped over. Need a hand there?"  
"Nope," Janice grinned and waved both hands, "brought my own." 

Cecil spotted Carlos through the restaurant windows, smiled and waved. Carlos waved back and gestured for his family to wait. He went outside, hugged Janice and Cecil and said hi to Steve who was staring, open mouthed, into the restaurant.  
"That...that's... No. Can't be. No, Not here. Not in Night Vale. I mean he's _British_ and we don't even make cars or toys or wine in town, so why would he be here? Carlos, Is that James May? What is James May doing in Rico's? Uh?"  
Carlos shrugged. "Eating pizza, of course."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two more chapters to come.  
> Next:  
> Janice suggests a Night Vale myth to bust (suggestions welcome!)  
> Steve, who has a secret hobby, gets all fangirly over James.  
> Carlos tries to figure out how to get everyone back home.  
> When he works out what is really going on it gives him a dilemma. With horns. Oh, how he hates those!


	3. Myth-thion Impothible

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janice comes up with the ultimate Night Vale myth for busting. Josie might help.  
> Steve shares his secret hobby with James.  
> Carlos has plans for Adam and Jamie, but they mustn't tell Cecil or Rochelle.

"Well _do_ they?" Janice asked again. "I really wanna know. Uncle Cecil says no and Dad says yes but ssh it's a secret and Uncle Carlos just walks away from them both and won't get involved, says he's not taking sides. I bet he could prove it with _science_ but he doesn't want to upset anyone."  
Janice looked hopefully at her idols. They had chatted about science and some of the more explosive myths, autographed _so_ many objects, some of which they would have struggled to identify, and finally Janice had worked up the courage to suggest a myth ripe for busting.  
Carlos casually picked up the autographed Erlenmeyer flask from the bench and put it on the shelf above his workspace then vanished upstairs. 

Jamie and Adam looked at each other in confusion as Steve and Cecil glared at each other and engaged in a pantomime _oh-no-they-don't-oh-yes-they-do_ argument. Janice rolled her eyes and intervened.  
"Dad! Cecil! Not _now!_ Please! C'mon."  
They stopped shouting but continued to glare at each other until James came back downstairs wearing Carlos's set of spare clothes that he kept in case of lab accidents. Steve froze. The shirt that looked so incredibly _loud_ on Carlos, the floral one Cecil bought him for a joke that backfired because Carlos took it seriously and actually _wore_ it, suited James perfectly.  
Steve unfroze with a shake of his head. "Uh, James, I really love your TV shows. Umm, would you like to come for dinner with my family and I can show you my hobby room? I think you'll like it."  
James frowned and stared. In the context of all he had seen and heard since arriving unexpectedly in the strange desert he was very suspicious of the simple word _hobby._ And, to be honest, he wasn't too sure about the way the man said _room_ either. But he was curious, if careful, and when Janice rolled her eyes again and said, "Da-aa-ad, that is so _lame,"_ he graciously accepted the invitation.

Cecil loped off upstairs to find Carlos. Steve took James on an enthusiastically narrated tour of the town. Janice looked at the Mythbusters as Rochelle pottered in the background, occasionally swearing at her experiment.  
"So, I still really wanna know. Do angels exist?" 

Adam and Jamie looked at each other then at Janice. Jamie was silent. Adam said, "honey, I don't know how we would even test something like that. Angels are..."  
Rochelle interrupted. "I've seen one. You could start your research by talking to Josie down at the old opera house."  
Jamie protested. "We don't have time. We are supposed to be back in Las Vegas tomorrow to film another part of the show. We can't take time out of our schedule like that."  
Janice tried to hide her disappointment. Jamie tried not to notice but added, "We could ask the producers if we can add your myth to the fan suggestions episode later in the series and come back to test it. Would that do?"  
Janice shook her head. "You're just saying that. It's okay, it's what _grownups_ do." She looked at Adam. "And please don't call me honey. My name is Janice." She rolled herself away to "her" part of the lab, took a sample bottle out of her bag and resumed her investigation into what had been added to the water supply at school this week. 

Rochelle sat opposite Jamie and Adam. "You might as well be useful while you are here. Entertaining an inquisitive teenager is something you're good at on TV, so why not stop looking like a pair of assholes and humour her a bit? What harm can it do? Besides," Rochelle looked around her and leaned in conspiratorially, lowering her voice, "apart from a few disappearances, nobody ever leaves Night Vale except if they're going to Desert Bluffs and you _really_ don't want to go there unless you have already had your soul sucked out of you."

Rochelle went quietly back to work, making herself busy to stifle her thoughts of things Carlos had told her that he would never tell Cecil. About what he found out about that other desert. About what it had cost him to get back home. He had a hypothesis about Night Vale, the desert and the disappearances that gave her nightmares for weeks. He even had a hypothesis about why it was so difficult to leave. Rochelle wanted no part in testing those hypotheses and pushing them towards theory. Carlos had pushed her to the point where her scientific curiosity cowered in a corner, head down holding its breath with fingers in its ears and its eyes screwed shut.

Adam looked at the disappointed girl and relented, suggesting that maybe they could at least research the question of the existence of angels. Janice overheard and gave an excited little squeal. Rochelle texted Carlos, he was only upstairs but Cecil had gone after him and she really did not want to intrude after making that mistake once before and finding them making non-standard use of some of the lab equipment in the attic store room.  
 _Going to take Janice and the new boys to see Josie_

Adam and Jamie stared at the figure behind Josie as she answered the door.  
"Myth... plausible." Adam whispered. Jamie shook his head and whispered back.  
"No, whatever that is, it does exist, but we need to prove whether or not it is an angel."  
Josie smiled. "Come in, it's nice to see new faces around here. Don't mind Erika and Erika, they keep me company. They are usually quiet around newcomers."  
Josie led the group through to her living room. Rochelle helped Janice with her chair.  
"Auntie Josie, we're here to prove that angels are real."  
Josie laughed and gave them a quizzical look. "What a strange thing to try to prove!"

Adam and Jamie asked Josie about her angels and she answered in simple terms that in no way clarified their heavenly status. They tried asking Erika and Erika questions when Josie went to the kitchen with Rochelle to make tea but the figures, whilst polite, made their disdain clear until the group was left in an embarrassed, awkward silence. Erika went to check on Josie whilst Erika rummaged in its robe, produced a book, held it out to Janice and said in a fluid, mellow tone, "Thanks, have you brought the next one?"

Steve talked at James in the taxi journey home. James didn't mind, Steve had the kind of chirpy voice that made people smile, a bit like a morning show radio deejay, and he was interesting, chatting away about cars and model making and machines and inventions he had built at home for the purpose of helping Janice. But there was one hobby he did not talk about, ever. Not to anyone. After all, if the Sheriff's Secret Police found out then Dawn would come round in the morning and... Steve shuddered at the thought. At least if that ever happened Janice would have her uncle Cecil and uncle Carlos.  
He gave James a tour of the house and was delighted when James praised all of his modifications from the pulley and zip-wire system that Janice used to get herself up and down stairs with a counterweight to help, to the indoor chair with the automatic guidance system that prevented Janice from crashing into furniture when she was tired.  
"Got to be careful," he explained. "Janice can't feel pain in her legs so if she gets injured she won't know about it straight away. But the hobby I think you might like is through here."  
Steve led James through the house to the kitchen, out into the backyard and into a small bunker cleverly disguised as a compost heap.

Rochelle and Janice arrived to hear James and Steve in the kitchen.  
"Mmm, that is very smooth, I'm surprised how good this is. Often it can feel quite rough. But sometimes a bit of roughness can be nice in its own way."  
"I was worried you might hate it. Not everyone likes it like this."  
"Mmhmm yes. Oh that hits the spot. I can't remember the last time I had one as well rounded as yours."  
"Thanks! I know it looks a bit unusual but it serves its purpose just like normal."  
"I can tell. Mmm, there's a lovely depth to it as well, it reaches right over your whole tongue."  
"I am so pleased you are enjoying this. I can't talk about it with anyone around here."  
There was a kind of a pop and a liquidy sound.  
"Oh, now that does have a lovely, creamy head. Can't wait to get my lips round that."  
Steve called out. "Rochelle? Is that you out there with Janice? Got time for a glass of my illegal home-brew weissbier? 

Josie's visitors returned to the lab to find Carlos kissing Cecil goodbye and promising to be home on time as Cecil got into his car. Rochelle dropped the Mythbusters off and took Janice home.  
Carlos asked, "Well?"  
Jamie replied, "They are impressive, whatever they are, but angels? It's not possible to test that. Myth... unprovable."  
Adam giggled. "Mith-thion Impothible."  
Carlos nodded. "The angels seem to be impervious to science. I have a better use for your time here. Want to do some proper science?" They shrugged and nodded. "Okay, better come home with me for dinner and stay over with me and Cecil. I can explain on the way and we'll get started tomorrow. I have a hypothesis about how you got here. Just... don't mention it to Cecil or Rochelle." 

As Carlos drove them home, he explained his ideas. It made Adam and Jamie first scoff and then frown and finally, after some careful questions, it made them each retreat into themselves to ponder the horror of staying in Night Vale forever.


	4. Rejected by Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So where, and what exactly, is Night Vale?  
> Depends on your point of view!

Carlos apologised to Adam and Jamie.  
"I'm sorry, we only have one spare room and this is it. If it's a problem, one of you can have the sofa. Janice stays here more than anyone else so the decor is a bit... umm... _dragony_ "  
They had eaten well because Cecil cooked, drank Steve's home-brew to the sound of Cecil's disapproval and talked science until Cecil said he was going to bed. Carlos excused himself a little while later in a time he hoped was polite and not embarrassingly obvious.  
Jamie and Adam, relaxed by good food, familiar science talk and surprisingly acceptable beer, decided that it wouldn't kill them to share a room for one night. They did snigger and quietly wonder if they ought to point out to their hosts that Janice could probably hear every creak, thump and groan from the upstairs master bedroom.

In the morning, Carlos kissed Cecil awake and made him giggle by suggesting ways of waking up their guests. They had tried so hard to be quiet last night and it was kind of funny to try to stifle Cecil's enthusiasm. But he opted for heavy footsteps on the stairs and loud clattering whilst making coffee instead.  
Jamie had been awake for a while and came through straight away.  
"Sleep okay? Want coffee?" Carlos waved the coffee pot.  
"Coffee, yes. Yeah I slept okay, eventually..." Jamie looked at Carlos and grinned as Carlos got a little flustered.  
"Uh, sorry, I guess the house isn't as well insulated as I thought." Carlos laughed. "That explains some of the questions Janice asked last time she slept over!"  
Cecil appeared next then Adam, lured by the scent of frying bacon.  
Cecil poured coffee and asked Adam and Jamie if they would do an interview on his radio show later.  
"We normally have to go through our agent for stuff like that, but our phones don't seem to work properly here." Adam explained. "I tried to call this morning but the end of my finger was repelled by the screen, like two really strong magnets pushing each other." Carlos _umm_ -ed and nodded.  
"Might be able to shed some light on that later." He smiled at Cecil. "We will be home in time for your show."

"Okay, Morning building kit in the lab, afternoon out at your landing site doing science. I have plans for the equipment we will need." Carlos pulled out a roll of paper that had diagrams and figures drawn in what looked and smelled like ketchup.  
"We had a ban on pens and pencils here for a while. When the lab stock of writing implements ran out we had to improvise. I don't suppose either of you...? No? Oh well. I'm down to my last sharpie as well. Glad I had that or you would have been doing autographs with a quill and beetroot juice. Very messy, Cecil hates it when I have to write a lot."  
Rochelle arrived carrying a crate that clinked. "Gift from Steve," she said, "I'll put it in the secure fridge."  
"Oh, wheat and wheat by-products are banned too. Hope you don't miss bread and doughnuts too much while you're here."  
"Why on Earth..." began Jamie.  
"Best just not to ask sometimes," said Rochelle, looking over Carlos's shoulder at his plans. "Oh, you're going to test your hypothesis?" she asked. Carlos nodded. Rochelle looked over at Adam and Jamie, who were choosing materials from the racks at the back of the lab. "Makes sense, I mean this opportunity doesn't present itself every day. Want me to call Steve and ask him to bring James too?"  
"Mmm, yes please. He and Jamie would make good... anchors."  
Rochelle laughed. "That's a polite way of putting it." 

The build went well. Adam and Jamie knew their way around a workshop and James took tea-boy and tool-monitor duties. Carlos supervised while calculating exactly where they needed to set up in relation to the exact point their little plane had touched the desert sand.  
Steve arrived back after excusing himself with errands, just in time for lunch. Dave brought pizza and entertained them with stories of finding a nest of dragons in the sand wastes out by Radon Canyon and having to use the car fire extinguisher on his lab-coat before sedating the creatures and moving them to a safer location.  
Adam and Jamie just listened, Carlos watched their expressions change from confusion to disbelief to shrugged acceptance. _Good_ he thought. _They're starting to fit in here._ James frowned slightly at everything then assimilated it good-naturedly and added information his brain had somehow linked to the new data. In this case, he proved knowledgeable on dragon folklore and literature. _This one acts like he's been here all his life._ Carlos smiled. It was probably going to be okay. 

After lunch, Rochelle and Dave went to check on the dragon nest taking Steve along for the ride so that he could take pictures for Janice. Carlos and the newcomers loaded the pickup and drove out to the abandoned silo. The weather had been calm so the tracks form the landing were clear in the sand that dusted the little air strip.  
Carlos marked with a flag the point at which the plane had first touched down. He measured out from the flag, using a compass and a tape to find the best location to set up then planted a second flag.  
"Okay, here is scientifically the best place for an observer. Jamie and James, can you bring the rope from the pickup before we unload and set up?"  
They spent the next hour assembling their equipment and testing one component at a time until Carlos was satisfied that everything did what it should, even if the purpose of the whole ensemble was a mystery to the mythbusters. James made a comment about Heath Robinson but Carlos merely thought for a moment and said, "No, I think he ended up in Desert Bluffs. He's not really a scientist anyway."  
They took a break once everything was in place. Carlos explained what would happen next.

"Try to stay with me here. This is a hypothesis and I will run through possible outcomes of this experiment and what they might mean for your return. First, the equipment should make a portal, a door, appear between Night Vale and the void. We open that door if it appears but we need to be anchored to avoid being sucked out into nothing." He shuddered. "I've heard of it happening. By the way, we have a subway which you should not use under any circumstances."  
He continued. "The second machine we built, if it works as I have predicted, should open a second portal. If we can reach it through the void without coming adrift, we open it."  
"It is _really important_ that the doors are opened for as short a time as possible. There was a spate of uncontrolled portals a while back that caused incredible damage and heartache."  
Carlos paused, closed his eyes for a moment, then repeated _as short a time as possible, got that?_  
They nodded.  
"Through the second portal I predict that you will be able to see the desert you were in before you landed. The one on a Thursday in Nevada, but maybe a few hours later than when you... landed.  
James spoke after a brief silence. "Well it sounds like so much bollocks to me, but I still don't like the way you said _...landed_ so what are you not telling us about your hypothesis?"  
Carlos looked at James, thinking _yes, this one acts like an idiot but he's asking the clever questions,_ and said, "It's best if I show you. I hope you will be able to step through the portals and go home. But I think it might not be possible and I will explain why later, but only if I have to."

"Ready?"  
"Ready."  
"Ready."  
"Ready."  
"Check your knots again. I wish I'd asked Earl to come, he used to be scoutmaster. Excellent with knots, or so Cecil tells me."  
"Okay, opening portal one."  
Carlos flipped a switch and the first machine whined up to full power.  
James stood with his mouth open. "Well bugger me, where did that come from?" 

There was a wooden door by the side of the runway.  
Jamie walked around it. "Weird, it only has one side! Ha! Oak I'd guess."  
Carlos called him back. "Jamie, James, I need you to sit there like I showed you with your legs braced on that rock. It's really important, Adam and I are the ones in danger of being sucked into the void here."  
"What?" Adam's head snapped round to face Carlos. "Are we in actual mortal danger here?"  
Carlos smiled. "If my hypothesis is correct, then none of us is in _mortal_ danger, exactly."  
James called over from his braced position. "Again with the tone of voice. Come on, mister scientist fella, what is _actually_ going on?"  
Carlos just shrugged. "Tell you in a moment. Ready?" Three nods.  
He opened the door and shoved a rock against it. 

"OH! WOW! OHMYFUCKINGGOD! Can you guys see this? Can you see any of this?" Adam was as vocal as Carlos had been speechless at his first sight of the void. Adam burbled enthusiastically about the particular quality of the blackness _it's so inky, no there's a purple there, no a blue, no it's so black my eyes feel like they're imploding... Oooh green! And the LIGHTS ohmygodthelightsare so... sooo... FUCK they're moving! This is BEAUTIFUL!_

Carlos laughed and punched Adam's arm to try to bring him into reality. That didn't work so he lightly slapped Adam's face.  
"Hey! That was uncalled for!"  
"It is REALLY IMPORTANT TO FOCUS!" Carlos flicked the second switch. Another door smoothly slipped into existence. It was just within reach, Carlos judged, using the apparent size of the door to guess its distance in the void. "Jamie, are you ready? Check your knots again?"  
"Checked, you're good to go!"  
Carlos carefully reached across the gap and opened the second door. 

"Well, there's your problem." Adam stood by the other three as they observed the scene from a safe distance through the portals.  
"I don't think we can reset for a second run." Jamie shook his head.  
James simply uttered, "Oh cock," and sat down.  
Carlos leaned through the void, resisting its sucking, seductive feel and pushed the portal closed. He turned off the portal generator and the door vanished. He repeated the action on the first door and all they saw was sand waste and silo. 

The noise was gone.  
The flames were gone.  
The sirens and vehicles had vanished as the portals melted away and the trio tried to come to terms with what they had witnessed.  
The skeleton of a light aircraft, twisted and fire-ravaged was burned into their retinas.

Carlos packed the pickup and tactfully left James, Adam and Jamie to process their new data. He was happy. He was right, despite what his theory (for it had tested successfully, it was no longer just a hypothesis) meant for himself and all his friends and family, for Rochelle and Dave and especially Cecil and Janice and even Steve. Being right made him happy, despite the hell and purgatory and limbo he had been through to get here this felt like his heaven.

Night Vale's three newest permanent residents considered their status.  
"I hope that utter pirate Clarkson doesn't get my cars!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, sorry.
> 
> Alternative last line:  
> "I hope that utter pirate, Clarkson, doesn't get his hands on my Bristols!"


End file.
